Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in keikobeauty's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
3:18 pm	"Or am I origami? Fold it up and just pretend Demented as the motives in your head I would swallow my pride I would choke on the rinds But the lack thereof Would leave me empty inside I would swallow my doubt Turn it inside out Find nothin' but faith in nothing Wanna put my tender Heart in a blender Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion Rendevous, then I'm through with you I alone am the one you don't know You need you don't you need me Make me blind when your eyes close Tie me to the bedpost" ~Eve 6 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:00 pm	today was test #5 in pre-calc. i have ranged between an A+ and a D- on these frickin tests and it doesnt seem to depend on how much i study. anywho, im bored. nothing to do really, except waste away the rest of the summer with this course and then a frantic scramble to finish all that summer reading ive put off for so long. fun. today is so incredibly hot. and muggy. and awful. i suppose im tired. maybe that's it. my pre-calc final is next wednesday and then i have two more days and im done. actually, friday i only have to go in for like an hour or something so that's good. *sigh* i wish i could hang out with someone today. but clayton's gonna be with other friends and brian has fencing and ben apparently agreed with my accusations and has decided its not worth the effort to make things better. and the rest are away. grr. i wish i was away. this summer is going to amount to nothing. aaah! REGRET. i kind of wonder how my heart broke. its strange. it felt kind of random, but something like cracked and a cold liquid filled up the space between the bottom of my ribs and the top of my chest and left an empty space. yea. that's what it felt like. over time it's warmed, and now i feel like my heart, well, not really my heart, but my entire sense of caring and affection and trust is that semi-warmed bowl of liquid that churns behind my breast plate. my heart itself is a pathetic, self-pitying, shriveled mess that's sitting, sulking, in a little steel box. brian, you seem to have chisel, but you haven't used it very effectively. yea. thats how thing's are. that's why i'm laid back. confused about myself, but ok. so call me! lol, if u think im sane. ;-b. hope everyone's doing well and enjoying their summers. im gonna go see my shrink. peace. Current Mood: cynical, but laid back ;-b Current Music: "charmed life" ~Third Eye Blind (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
2:54 pm	pfft. yea, right. as if im updating cuz anything is going on. im just sitting around, it's muggy and im in jeans. makes me mad. my own fault though, dammit. should take them off. too tired. no, too lazy, that's all. so we have one room with an air-conditioner which has been creatively shut off from the rest of the house by a system of pinned-together sheets over the empty door frame. one cold room. the rest of the house is hell. of course, my dad likes it not cool, but frickin ice cold, so if u get sick of sweating like a pig, your only other (reasonable) option is to be frigidly cold. ive been sleeping in that room, otherwise i can't breathe, but many blankets, comforters, in fact, have been required to accomplish the wanted temperature. *sigh* hil's turning 16 soon. dunno what to buy her...*cricket**cricket*....yea, ill work on that. prec-calc has been going ok. my first test is tomorrow. i guess we're gonna have one every week and then a final in august. fun fun fun. the kids are nice, though, and the teacher's awesome. can't remember his name though...still... so i think i may still have something in that cut i got on my foot. it's been, what?...uh...a few weeks at least and it still hurts to walk on, but it's pretty much closed up....to go to doctor and get foot sliced open or not..THAT is the question. owen's back, that's great. harry's coming too. man, haven't seen him since like the 7th grade. ive changed a lot since then. well, he kinda hated me back then, so hopefully the change has done me good. of course, ben L admitted to thinking me on the bitchier side back then too, and he's coolwith me now, so that's a good sign. *brief drum beat on computer desk with hands* so... i hope everyone's having fun. ive been listening to a lot of those emo cd's u burnt me, clayton, but i haven't been feeling so emo, it's been interesting. i listen from a different perspective now. im so layed back, its creepy. not exactly in the stoner "everything's good" kind of layed back, but not totally crushed by life "i can't change a goddamn thing" kind of layed back either. in between. a nice balance. things just...are. so zen. this weather sucks. hot and muggy but no sunshine. blah. no chance of any summer flings these days. o well. i guess im all...flung...out. im not too disappointed i wont get to see manny this year, i mean, he never seems to want to see me anyway, so what's the big deal? im doing him a favor by not going. huh, and i can also avoid any awkward run-ins with michael. that's great. junior year should be interesting. me and hil were talking about how freshman year was so dramatic and things fell apart in a lot of ways, and then how sophmore year sort of built everything up in a new way and created real stability, it seems to me next year is going to be interesting cuz we're all gonna decide what we want to do with that stability which leaves us open to do new things and create our own drama or make choices totally separate from all the weird intricate connections of The Web. i don't know what i'll do. i guess in part i've felt pretty distanced from everyone. i don't think ill be a loner though, i love u guys too much. no sense in that. ive already made some choices, though, they help to show me what i want. i guess part of that is control. power over what i give to people and what i keep for myself so i don't feel so helpless. ill try to do things that are best for everyone, including myself now. i hope it works out. g2g study, then im off on a drive maybe to some beach. peace ~becca Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Radiohead~ "How to Disappear Completely" (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
4:18 pm	ah, summer. interesting time. i felt oddly pulled into being totally shallow for the first couple weeks, but i guess that's dwindled and died off. i'm trying to be optomistic. actually, no im not, that's not true at all. i can't keep that awful clenching feeling from inside my chest. i feel like this summer is going to suck. i know that's a rather cruel statement to make when ive been spending so much time with the people i love, and i don't mean anything personal by it. ive had an awesome time with my friends...some good times with my family. but there's nothing to look forward to-no central exciting chunk of time or adventure, except my pre-cal course... *sigh* who knows, maybe ill meet some really nice hot BHS boy there...uh huh, likely, and then il screw that up like i do everything else. i suppose i dont even want a relationship right now. whatever. ive been crying at everything. commercials for hooked on phonics, a visa card commercial, movies, shows, everything. screw that. im gonna go catch some sun. peace (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
8:26 pm	You Are a Liberal Republican When you tell people that you're Republican, they rarely believe you. That's because you're socially liberal - likely pro-choice and pro-gay rights. You're also not so afraid of big goverment, as long as it benefits people and not politicians. You are the most likely of any Republican type to swing over to the Democrat side sometimes. What political persuasion are you? aaah. crazy. i dunno whether or not to be offended...i agree with what they say about how i view government, but..republican...?? anywho, one more exam left then im DONE!!! *lots of jumping, ecstatic head shaking, some leaping, three big screams of deep joy...settles herself back infront of the computer screen* ah-hem. so yes, im gonna go study. clayton, brian, ur both going down. ..... i mean, in badminton...*shifty eyes* me and hil are gonna whoop u both. muahahaha! and then that dare will be MINE MINE I SAY!!! okey dokey. im out. peace all! Current Mood: excited Current Music: "don't phunk with my heart" ~black eyed peas (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
6:01 pm	*sigh of exhaustion* ok, i'm stressed. i'm also tired. do you know how depressing it is to try so damn hard and just fail again and again? i mean, after a while it gets a little wee bit discouraging. anyway, only like 2 more days of academic classes...woot...everyone keeps telling me that in two weeks, after exams, we'll all be free and happy and prancing through some flower-covered field in slow-mo under a beating sun with music playing...only thats so totally incorrect. like exams are where it ends?! my pre-cal course is gonna be a bitch to handle, i really want to get my lisence so i gotta take that crappy drivers ed course before pre-cal, i should get a job to earn some cash, im leaving for sweden the day my course ends and i really ought to do some work on my courses over the summer because im currently getting bashed violently over the head by 4 out of my 5 subjects. oh wait, scratch that, choral happens to be beating me violently, too, beleive it or not. and people piss me off. i wish they didn't, because then i could be a lot nicer of a person, but they do. mostly the guys right now, to be honest. maybe because they're less likely to be understanding or i dunno because they're shallow..or maybe i'm just a sexist jerk. w/e. IT'S SO DAMN COLD. if it stays like this until the end of the week this will be the coldest recorded may in all the history of mankind. right now it's runner up. we're talking like three hundred thirty something years of recorded weather. AAAAAAARRRRGGHHH! i need to do super well on both my language exams to remain a language scholare which i need otherwise all the sacrifices im making for this damn double-language thing are useless. russian is gonna kill me. like everyone's breaking up or are hostile. this is NOT spring. not at all. no smiles. no sun. no love. oh, AND i have to go see that psychiatrist lady again cuz apparently i'm cynical, morbid and depressed. funny, i hadn't noticed... Current Mood: stressed Current Music: "Hit Me" ~The Sounds (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
8:17 pm	brrr. im so cold. but tomorrow it's gonna be bloody hot eww... what if it got so hot the air sporadically burst and splattered blood until, in the height of the day when the sun reaches its peak, all the world and the people are dripping red... anywho im gonna wear a skirt tomorrow! woohoo! "i met a possum ...my blood hurts" kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah im out through a little tiny door u couldnt see. it blended in all the white. its a miniscule box of black. i smile. then im gone. Current Mood: awake Current Music: "what's your fantasy" ~ludacris (i think) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
5:22 pm	at least im distracted. i suppose you're right though; maybe i AM "cold and heartless", i mean, you're the only one who would really notice. so there you go. people think im cold for never making promises anyway, but if you'll notice, promises seem to always get broken. you can't promise things about emotion or human application because it changes. i change. ull change too. maybe u already have... but im heartless, so what do i care? im gonna go throw myself into my studies, do something useful for once. ~becca Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: "look before you leap" ~Suicide Machines (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
7:04 pm	absurd its april 12th, as in only like 36 days of school left (like 50 something alltogether), and it was SNOWING. this is absurd. the world shall end WE ALL SHALL SUFFER EVIL SHALL BE CAST UPON OUR MEEK LITTLE BODIES AND TEAR US TILL WE WRITH UPON THE FLOOR AND SHRIEK FOR MERCY! ahem. k, then. g2g study or whatnot. im cold... but i guess most of u already knew that. Current Mood: cold Current Music: "shut up" ~Trick Daddy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 11th, 2005
6:50 pm	**** i truly am. i'm where i started. and i'm sorry. Current Mood: sad Current Music: "unholy confessions" ~Avenged Sevenfold (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 10th, 2005
6:43 pm	it's like the calm after a storm- empty but full of some sort of settling rage; it's that threatening silence like turning to someone you love, expecting a smile, and instead you're hit with a glare-eyes that burn and warn you of what you're doing. then you suddenly see what you're doing. then it comes together. why would it work out? why should you get to do what you please and expect all the peace to maintain itself and wait for you while you're out causing havoc? its selfishness. its too much to ask. i look to summer now. i beckon it and plead to it so it will come with sunshine and warmth so the cold darkness will shrink back for a while and i can hastily try to paste it all back together. things i have to do. well, maybe i never NEEDED to do anything, but i wanted it enough. so i slapped my situation three times across the face...hard. now there are red marks upon my life and when they fade maybe it will be all the better but for now it seemed a rash choice to make. but i suppose quick-fixes always have consiquences you don't count on. so i hope it works out. i really do. maybe im drifting back to where i was, but at least i have perspective this time. and knowledge. when i start over ill use them both. the birds are singing. im deeply touched by it for the moment. but i have to study. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: "only one" ~yellowcard (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
4:25 pm	shwoosh so yea. slowly but surely the loose ends are being tied up. god, amazing how some miscommunications can just put you at awe. hilarious. embarrassing. incredible. anywho, what's up everyone? spring's here. i woke up and realized there were birds chirping. (if thats how you spell it, which i dont think it is...). i think summer mends a lot. i don't like getting my hopes up, but somehow summer really does seem to fix so much. so i hope u three were able to read that spectacular entry i wrote just for you yesterday. i dont really understand the whole "private" thing as far as how i allow u to read it, but i think i worked it out so hopefully the three of u have access to it. if u do, at least let me know u read it so next time i can feel free to be ACTUALLY personal, if i feel so inclined without worrying that others will read. i hope everyone is well. i guess i wouldn't not. but thats my own fault...once again...(seems to be a trend, doesn't it?...) im counting down the days. only 39 more days of school, it turns out. like 50 alltogether. not so bad. oh, and thats including exams. soo much youth group stuff to do this week. aaah. i suppose i should go do my homework. just weighed myself. have gained pounds. dont know how to go about losing them without u all beating me with a stick. i suppose i can bargain with you. how about like fruit for breakfast, salad lunch and salad dinner WITH some sort of like chicken or something...eh? itll be good for my mom and dad, and it meets mara's demand of something in the dinner salad. okey dokey. at least i get to look forward to the OC tonight. woohoo. Current Mood: curious Current Music: "alive" ~POD (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
6:29 pm	i'm tired of being messed with. i'm sorry i didn't explain. i'm unresponsive and self-contained but different from how i was before. i'll think a lot for now, and find my personal reasoning, though still i am devoid of purity and justification. but at least i can see it as it is-one moment of very clear perception; it all fits, it all makes sense. so im sad and frusterated, yes, i answered honestly, but its deep-set and useless, so i don't expect you to hold onto it. ill do what im going to do. all ive had in two days are a couple apples and a lollipop. but there you go, ill shift, ill find another way. im frusterated. and im tired of being messed with. all of them. all of the situations and people. and me, making it what it is, or worse: what it isn't or what it shouldn't be just stop. and in your eyes ill let it all go. keep it silently in my heart. let it burn me and fill me and drive me insane. silently. ...but i wish they wouldn't mess with me. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: "slow motion" ~Third Eye Blind (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 26th, 2005
11:20 am	bonjour! bonjour, tous mes amis! je suis en france! ok, enough of that. hey guys! im here at my girls house- i just got back from Provence yesterday and tonight were having a small dinner party here at her house with her friends and a couple of the other americans. so yea, i cant beleive im still alive! i really have started appreciating all sorts of things being here; my family, my house, the english language anyway, its been really hard and ive been sort of sick with fevers and all and almost wasnt allowed to go to provence but im ok now. i miss everyone really badly. dreamt bout u last night...yea, u know who u are ;-b. lol, this livejournal site is totally in french, its really awesome. pk, i feel dumb cuz im sort of just rambling with nothing to say and im also being terribly anti-social with them all downstairs so i think ill just shut up now, but i wanted to let you all know ur on my mind and i love you hugs Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: this bizarre french song called "fuck them all" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 14th, 2005
5:50 pm	BORING *sigh*. that wasnt depressed. im just tired and ate cake. it was a relaxed, full sigh. almost satisfied...but not quite, of course. im so frusterated! there's this song in the disney movie "brink" that i love but i cant find what its called or the band or the lyrics or anything! apparently tons of kids have been looking for it, but its not listed in the credits and no one can find it. grrr. anyway, my debate's over. my team lost. *pout*. but i did well as rebuttalist, so i guess thats good. jess is officially 20...and gone. lol. i wont see her again until the summer most likely ;-( and i found the most beautiful dress, but of course, being me, i was naturally drawn to it only to discover it's $200. don't have that. sorry darling, u know who u are, ill keep looking... so im already out of anything to say hope everyone's well im leaving this friday for france. two weeks. very nervous. have a good spring break love ~bec Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: that damn song i can't find from the movie Brink!! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
7:01 pm	*growl* too bad im practically verging on atheist or i would pray. selfishly. as always, its so selfish. but honestly, after listening to mara and hil debate whether the human race is entirely selfish or not all of lunch and F Block, i honestly couldn't care less. so im selfish. so what? so i want things to work out. trivial things. things that mean nothing to most everyone else. it all fits together, after all, and i need the small peices to make it look good. though it doesnt seem to anyway. i dont know why i feel i have the right to be pissed off. didnt i just explain how this was all my own fault? well then, maybe im mad at myself. how can you fight yourself, though? its so frusterating! its hard enough fighting people i can claim don't know enough, but fighting someone who knows too much is, quite bluntly, a bitch. hmm. i think i just outright insulted myself. o well. i still keep cracking my neck. i suppose the tension must be building. i wont overdramatize. im trying not to over-analyze. if anything ill beat down this whole aura of complexity until its straight and plain-an honest shape that shows me its not that complicated. i know its not. its simple. most everything is when you sort through it. and ive had enough time to sort through it and ive found that this is easily catagorized and organized into sections, each of which i have either succeeded of failed at doing. the only confusing part about it is that successes imply hapiness which is far from true. ive succeeded in a lot i dont really want. so step back. if you were here id put out my arms to keep you just that far away so you can figure out for yourself what YOU want and need. so YOU can organize the situation and figure out how you feel. so you can see things as they really are with out the distraction of the closeness. so you can understand me. and there it is. ive worked through it. ill post my little mood as "angry", but its already blown over. im tired now, and disappointed. but i suppose i deserve that, now don't i? Current Mood: angry Current Music: "Rainy Day" by Guster (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
5:52 pm	obligation and distraction hi everyone who's reading this...all...three of you... i really don't have anything remotely interesting or uplifting to say, but i felt obligated to at least attempt to update this. update. i see. the wording i used implies im going to talk about what has happened since last i wrote. well ok, then. honestly, not much. it seems to be all going downhill. well, not really, its more like there's a thin slice of crummy pavement and around it all the beauty of the surrounding nature is breaking off and falling into oblivion in reasonably sized chunks. the road itself isnt actually slanted. now that that's been sorted out, im not even going to try and explain why. i guess i can sum it up in one disturbingly accurate word: myself. i suppose the good part of that is that its all contained; im causing the problems, im receiving the consiquences of the problems (well, i suppose some would beg to differ, i know people who are dealing with the consiquences too). but at least there is some sort of control, right? i suppose thats better than feeling punished for someone else's mistakes you have no control over...though most likely easier to place the blame. so. moving on. this is the second day in a row ive found myself completely distracted in history class by my own thoughts. i started writing them down in tiny, neat cursive while pretending to take my notes from some book on the potato famine and irish emigration. i have about a full page, double sided, its a stream of consciousness, but its well-crafted and rather disturbing. but then, i suppose that is a direct reflexion of whats on my mind. and i wrote about this there-this music, zirilan, you know what song im talking about-the one that goes "..libera..quando ceoli sunt..." or however that latin stuff is spelled. well, that crescendo keeps building in my mind, so loudly, so my heart is constantly speeding up and my mind is elsewhere, so all the rest of the confused noise is dimmed. i am distracted, much too much. i wrote about depression in that paper during history; i said it was like an animal, cruel enough to eat you slowly, that gains its satisfaction and power from watching you suffer over time. theres something that builds, so smoothly. doesnt anyone else feel it? i wish i could appologize. not just to YOU, but to myself, and so many others. but "sorry" is such a jaded word, so misused, that it hardly justifies the way i feel-so deeply do i regret things-so strongly do i want to right them, and so helpless am i to go up against what has already beaten and consumed me. so far as im concerned, i am a sickly accomplished person right now. ive roughly bent my situation into the strange shape i thought it had to be. now where do i go from here? Current Mood: accomplished (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 5th, 2005
10:26 pm	wow, thats the third time ive cracked my neck tonight. i think im stressed. just came back from hil's. it was good to see all 3 of them again; i feel like we really haven't all hung out together for a while. we actually didnt require any outside entertainment-no movie or games (except for the essential, unavoidable round of Blokus)-we just basically talked the whole time...we all had a lot to say. so ive been chained down, interrogated, and basically whipped into shape-if any of you three are reading this, you know what im talking about. and thank you for it. so after being together, with our candles and paper burning, i feel so much more at peace with everything-it really gives me perspective on life. anyway, im really looking forward to youth group tomorrow; these kids are just so great. im so glad i have something out of the lonely confines of bbn where i can go and have an opportunity to be the way i want to be and have relationships that aren't forced or stressful. Florida was absolutely awesome-seriously, one of the most worthwhile trips ive ever been on. i didn't get to see hil a lot cuz she's 15 so we were on diff work sites, but maybe that was for the best-we both got to be with/meet new people. the weather was gorgeous, the palm trees were awesome, and except for the lectures and attempted converting that came frm the NY group, the building was great too. CHICK VAN!! so cool. if you dont know the song Dragosta Din Tei, go listen to it. now. im serious, stop reading and go listen to it. i bet all the romanians out there are freakin celebrating cuz this is probly the first time a like techno romanian song has been so big in the US. very cool. bbn's the same. im finally caught up with all the russian i was behind in. doin pretty well. just have to keep working... march vaca should be nice; im excited to go to France, though honestly, quite nervous. and were also gone like the ENTIRE march break, which is a bit of a bummer cuz i wanted to see some of my friends that i feel like i havent hung out with for a bit, not to mention my bf with whom i have time (among other things) to make up with. so jess is here for a week. its great to see her. i dont feel quite so alone with her back in the house. her bday's on friday-she's turning 20! man, shes getting old. then again, arent we all? lol, no, i guess not. im still young. if i had taken the driver's ed course, i technically could have gotten my liscence (is that how you spell that?!no...licence...license?? w/e, i think the last one is right...yea...anyway) on saturday. oh well, i didnt have time for the course. ill take it maybe over the summer while im here for the chemistry course, and then get it in the fall when i get back from sweden. ok, fourth time ive cracked my neck. im tight. definately. im kind of uninspired. ive written a couple songs recently, but i get stuck in certain plucking patterns and cant get out of them, so the song loses all its effect and drama. gotta work on that. other than that, not much. dad and jess are home, so i guess im out. thanks for reading clayton. i appreciate it. ill consider what u said bout the attention thing and well have our debate in a bit, k? ;-b have a good night. hugs for everyone ~becca Current Mood: lonely Current Music: the Postal Service "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
12:04 pm	ok, so it's been a while. i mean, this really is quite pointless because, honestly brian, you're the only one that reads this crap, but w/e. maybe mel. mel, u reading this? who knows. orthodontists suck. they suck and they lie. and that's that. man, i dont even know why im home. wait, thats not true. i just don't know why ur not home, brian. i actually am sick enough to be home, but the fact that ur even worse and still at school worries me. go home. sleep. anywho, i dont have anything to say really. i mean, obviously things are diff since last i wrote. hmm. maybe i should have read what i wrote...i dont even remember where i left off. o well. no, i guess not that much has changed. still got a thing for brian. lol. maybe not quite as bitter bout it cuz were going out. still bitter though, strangely enough. i guess thats just me. still got those self-confidence issues. not getting these damn braces off until summer (did i mention orthodontists SUCK?). everyone in the old group still hates me apparently. everyone's uptight and cruel to each other these days. maybe its the whole third quarter thing. i think it was like this around now last year too. hil's going out with clayton. she puts him first no matter what, but weve all gotten used to it. emily and andrew are still going out. ben and mel got back together over the summer. thats cool. mara isnt going out with anyone and she seems unhappy bout that, and obviously annoyed with all the couples. seems i cant do anything. did well on exams. we got locked out of the dance studio. nowhere to go. the shrink seems nice. he has good hard candy. yea, so, enough updating, i DESPISE updating. thats why i hate my diary sometimes-its the kind of thing ill enjoy coming across when im thirty when it will bring back good memories of things i did and forgot, or it will serve a great purpose to my young teenage girl who have dislosed nothing about my teenage years and who will then proceed to read about all those scandalous things i did and use them against me when next we get into an argument about what she may and may not do. other than that its useless. i never let my mind wander in an entry. only occasionally when i throw in a bitter remark here or there. if i read it back over now its useless information to me-mere facts too recent to have forgotten. i only stared in a few years ago anyway. tissue needed. ok, i have returned. IM is frusterating. those conversations aren't meant to be deep. if they veer and become serious, ur virtually screwed b/c if u mess up and do a typo the whole mood can be shot to hell, and even if you say something deep, it can never really come across with the depth you meant it too. plus, there can be no abbreviating when ur not talking light-heartedly and so it ends up taking too long and you both end up cutting each other off or wrting too much or the other person has to go before your even done. alk about broken confessions. dont ever try to confess anything over AIM. so if you haven't stopped reading by now, i'm sorry, you must be very bored, or maybe you're just obsessed enough with me that my stupid thoughts are actually interesting to you, in that case, im sorry too. one can only hope to be obsessed about. though im not sure thats true. i suppose ive never really been obsessed about so i can't say. in fact, when i obsess about someone they tend to get hostile or turn away so maybe it's not that great after all. either way, i think i ought to write something worthwhile. but i never can think of a topic broad enough and stable enough that i can apply myself to over a long period of time. it seems i always choose a topic or a story line i think ill be able to relate to forever but then something changes in my life or my attitude and i no longer agree with the values or emotions driving the story. like i started writing something about the perfect revenge where some teenage girl goes insane and eventually gets this guy she liked to love her and then like ruins him, and i got pretty far. i mean, its the longest ive even got in a story, i wrote like at least 8 pages single spaced or something. i mustve been inspired. but then, you know, me and brian started going out, and im finding it difficult to re-engage myself into that particular story-line ;-b. i think ill look in the newspaper, try to find some inspiration. im sick of being sappy. im also sick of being predictable. actually, im sick of a lot of things which i wont go into. maybe i should eat. i watched The Four Feathers which i bought used for like 6 bucks. pretty good. i liked it the first time i saw it, and i like it just as much now. unusual. i have to stop planning ahead. it never really gets me anywhere these days, only disappointed. its not my style anyway, i dont know why i started. i miss being insane. i guess i still kind of am. but i cant embrace it like icould before. no colorful memories being formed. its too dull outside. maybe summer will be better. i miss inscents, which i dont know how to spell, and which i cant burn in my house because of the cats and my mother who gets headaches from strong sweet smells like that. plus, why burn them alone? thats no fun. i miss hil and mara. well, they're both there. i miss hil when she was single, and mara when she was happy. at least with me. thins change. i am resigned. maybe it's just a cycle, or an arch, some things reoccur. or maybe they just remain while the rest is altered. either way, im very tired. perhaps i ought to do some work. ill fall behind. im searching for stability without knowing if i want it. mostly, i shouldn't stay. i know you're reading, skimming this at the least. thank you either way. i wont appologize like i feel inclined to, because you said i shouldn't do so anymore, not for myself. so i guess goodbye, i hope all is well. i wouldnt really know. i wish i could say it better. i love you (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
8:06 pm	hey sup? life is pretty...i dunno. i actually am too confused to even pinpoint life right now. how is it that school seems to go by so slowly but september feels like it's flying past? its becoming so cold already, i can feel the season of mild, yet unyeilding sickness dawning on my rather fragile body. i have the sniffles and a bit of a chill and im beginning to lose my appetite. Maybe im a seasonal depressive. or maybe i just totally despise school without knowing just how much it effects me, and with it being bareable when it first starts and near the end, so it seems the middle, dark winter seasons are the worst. i'm spending my time tonight doing homework for as many days as i can accomplish. i have no real reason to. the mere fact that i can feel my stomach flutter with excitement at the thought "wow, i might actually finish all my english reading for the week" disgusts me. but thats the way it is these days. i find my satisfation where i can. i have to say, i have a sort of selfish feddish with lonliness. when i take a step back and think about it, its really quite cruel of me to complain that im lonely. its almost disrespectful to my friends. but now that hil and clayton are together, well, it definatelt changes things. my possibilities are so limited. i have deb, but we dont have the same free. i have hil during F block, unless clayton shows up. i have mara, woohoo, you and me mara, were the cool ones...i wish. then theres jao who i want to convince myself i have, but, u know, its not quite there. but i should work on that. im alltogether too readily bitter and bitchy to him. i think its starting to lose its biting effect. i hardly seem him anyway, and when i do, my childish games of uncertain distrust dont help our time-limited relationship much. then i occansionally see like ben b., emily b., drea, andrew v., u know, theyre awesome for a short convo. and i sometimes get a few mins wit like ben l., mel. hehe, hey mel, shout out to you, i think you're the only one who reads these things, lol. so its cool. im not alone. im mildly limited, but pretty good. still i find myself occansionally overcome by those old waves of desperation. welcome back. havent felt those for a while. i dunno, i think i should just relax, lay back, go with the flow, you know, be a good, easy going person. unfortunately thats not me. im highstrung, obsessive, easily hurt, generally unhappy, penetratingly confused and lonely and anxious. im one of those people who's seriously gonna start losing years of their life because of too much stress. the awful thing is a good portion of the stress is coming from myself. i harbor too much self-hatred. but its sprouted from other people, so i somehow manage to justify it to myself. i think im going to DC next weekend (the long weekend wit friday off) which should be awesome cuz i miss jess like hell. i havent met her freinds yet which makes me a bit nervous, but you know, i guess if i keep my mouth shut maybe they wont see how amazingly immature and idiotic i am...? hehe so this friday's actually a short day. just found that out today, pretty cool, pretty cool. and i get to go have my braces tightened again tomorrow so no sports just a lot of metal wrenching and tooth pressure. i think i can deal. so deb asked me how my day went today after school and i enjoyed the readiness of my somewhat cynical response: "well", i said, after a brief pause in which i just started at her blankly "you know how a deer can just be walking along so peacefully and then suddenly find itsself in the middle of the road with a truck speeding towards it and its just a little too stupid to move out of the way so the truck hits it head on and you know, the deer goes flying like 10 feet and smacks into the pavement? yea, thats how it went." "well," she said "at least you didnt die". "yea" i agreed "i'm just suffering profusely as i lie motionless on the road. i'd say the day went pretty well." so now i take a little sniffle, a little sigh and realize brian probly texted me back and im so damn lonely that the thought of his brief message probly containing topics such as -homework, -our total of 6 friends, and the fact that hell try and call me later (i know this b/c of course those are naturally the only things that ever get said between us. maybe if hes feeling daring hes said something about mara's bday, or, ooh, something random that i havent heard yet...cool) so call me. im me. say hi to me in school. or blatantly ignor me, thats cool too. peace (5 Comments |Comment on this)